The Fattest of the Fattest

We're number one! We're number one!

For 2008, Mississippi is boasting the title of fattest state of the USA. I'd like to thank all of the fast food restaurants, video games, and television programs, because without you, we could not have done it. But, let's not think that those things were the cause - give it up everyone for lazy, misguided Mississippians. Thank you.

Thank you for not exercising and not eating healthy or just plain eating too much. Thank you for being an example for your children to follow so that this will become a cycle of obesity that will be nigh impossible to break. Thank you, doctors, for being so ignorant that not only are you a part of the problem by not properly educating your patients, but also by being obese yourselves.


However, we cannot forget the government's part in all of this. For, without social programs to help educate people who usually would not have access to health education, i.e., the poor, we would know just how we are harming ourselves and our children. And, with healthy food choices becoming more and more expensive and fatty alternatives becoming cheaper, we can all just sit back and watch what people who can barely put a roof over their heads will choose to eat. Moreover, with poorer people losing their land everyday, they won't be able to even grow their own vegetables and fruits. And the ones that can, won't anyway because it's more convenient to get those chips at that store. But the poor is not America's problem; they don't have to be poor if they don't want to be. If the poor needed a motivation to lose weight, then the current gas prices would sure do it. Let the rich be thin.

I'd also like to thank myself for doing my part in this prestigious award. I've worked many long years being a glutton, and I'm so proud that it has now paid off. Oh, I don't know how I would live without you, Southern cuisine. The pecan pies, the macaroni and cheese, the pork chops, the fried...everything. We know how to do vegetables better than anyone else - with lots of butter, lard, and anything fat. Yum, more, please. And I wouldn't give it up for anything. Not for a life free from obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Not to live past 40. No!

We Mississippians have led the charge for a fatter America to help the US become the most obese country in the world. Please don't give up now.