...And Now for Your Regularly Scheduled Program

Whew-boy...

That was something else. I'm hoping I'm at the end of a period of my life. I think it will leave forever-marks on my psyche. Migraines are no joke.

Since December of last year, I've gotten my all-day, every day migraines down to once a week or less. Halleluiah.

Halleluiah. Halleluiah. Halleluiah.

Why does pain always feel like an eternity? Why does joy feel like but a moment?

What I learned:

1. Be grateful for every. little. thing. When I was first trying different things to stop the migraines, and I had been taking medications for a week or so (anti-seizure!), I got to the point where I wouldn't have a migraine until late morning. I became so grateful for that small grace period. I didn't know it was something to be thankful for before. Those small quiet times of peace. I know now.
2. If it hurts you (or anyone else for that matter) in the long run, don't do it. I can't justify eating any old way anymore. The consequences are too severe. My diet affects whether or not I have migraines and I keep to it diligently. I don't think about the foods I'm losing, but the freedom I'm gaining. It's too easy to reach for that which gives you the smallest pleasures right now, only to bring you the heaviest sorrows later. Don't be fooled--it ain't worth it.
3. Time is precious. I can't be wasting it dawdling or worrying over trivial things. There are too many significant things to look forward to and to experience. It's kind of paradoxical to me because I figure I should be living now like I'm already in heaven. There, I'll be making the most of my time, doing meaningful, significant work, even though I'll have all the time in the world. So why am I not doing that now, when I have so few seconds to spare?
4. I am who God made me. And God didn't make me in sin. That happened when I was born into this world. Therefore, I won't confuse my sin with me. Also, God wants me right now. That means all the things that people tell me: that I'm not good enough, that I should change, that they don't like who I am--that all don't matter. God knows who I'm supposed to be. So I'll only listen and answer to Him on the subject of where I am and where supposed to be--thank you very much.

It's not all over, however. I still have many periods of brain fog, during which I struggle to think and follow what's happening outside of me. I'm still fighting the battle. I'm still fighting. Because the last thing I learned is that pain does not endure. I endure.

Letters to My Family

I challenged myself to write a letter a day, for 40 consecutive days, to my husband, my son, and my daughter. That came to 120 letters. In a word-exhausting.

What I learned:

• that this was more a learning experience for me, than a sharing experience with my family because I don't think they were impressed with the letters,
• that trying to stay positive when I was having down days proved almost impossible,
• that letter-writing is overrated,
• that I don't have as much to say as I thought.

All in all, I'm glad that I've hit my goal, but I'm more glad that it's over. I know that my children will probably be relieved that they won't need to accept any more letters.

It was an interesting...experiment--one that I don't think I'll try again, at least not to this extent. Not along with writing multiple blog posts and a poem everyday. Too much is too much. I'd like to have enough time to say something, if not insightful, then at least practical. Some days I know I only blathered because time ran short.

I guess there's another lesson in there somewhere... I encourage everyone to lose their minds in this experience--and then find it again at the end.*

*I don't necessarily guarantee that your mind will be found again.

Enjoying My Day

I do enjoy days where I can play catch up on those things that I've had to slack off on. Feels good. Especially when I do things at my own leisure.

Luxurious.

The World Against Me

I wonder how many feel the way I do. Unsafe in this world. It's a subtle paranoia that creeps on me every so often. When I go outside and see that patio chair has been broken, or my children's flower pots have been stolen (what's up with that) while my neighbors' things have been left undisturbed. When a neighbor moves in and parks on the street where we've been parking. Not because it's closer to their residence, but because they just want to take something from us. Their assigned parking is closer to them than the street parking.

Phone conversations with haughty, apathetic customer service representatives. The inability to get a check cashed in a bank that I have an account with. Businesses not returning messages. My son's doctor that refuses to answer the phone (or as I suspect, deliberately sends everything to voicemail when they don't feel like doing their jobs) so that I have to wait a week to get the same prescription refilled every month. My daughter's teacher who carelessly misinforms her and leaves her anxious because she trusts the teacher as an authority figure.

All these things make me feel insecure in this world. I'm surrounded by people whom I think would walk past my daughter if she were hurt on her way to and from school. My son's school has already proven that they don't care if they endanger his health because they don't want to administer the medication that he has in the nurse's office. My husband has been in a bind more than once where no one would help him when he's been stranded on the side of the road.

Me, I'm just thankful that no one has decided to shoot me dead. Would there even be an investigation? I think even my so-called friends would merely say, "Oh, that's tragic and move on pretty quickly."

I live in this world, but I'm not apart of this world. Every day that I step out in it is a reminder of that.

Re: Blogging Everyday

I don't think blogging everyday for 40 days was a very smart idea. I'm starting to feel worn. Plus, when I go to write what I've been meaning to, I've forgotten it.

Eternal Love

What I've been learning this month: to love each person I come across in an eternal way. Not just for what he or she is worth to me here and now, but for what that person is worth to God in eternity.

Hard lesson.

Spring Cleaning

So I'm cleaning out my house, from top to bottom. All very gross. I've hit the outside and now I just have...well, my bedroom left. Every time I have something that I don't know what to do with, I just dump it in my room. Now there's stacks of boxes everywhere in here, and I have no idea what I will do with them. I asked my husband to get me a shelf, but that probably won't help that much.

Honestly, my mind could use a little cleaning, too. I'm okay where I'm at--though I'm not satisfied. The question is: am I striving for complete satisfaction? Isn't that an impossibility?

I'm trying to fill my head with positives and truths so that there is less and less room for negativity and lies. I think this is a legitimate strategy...I'll know soon enough.

Having critical, judgmental, ugly, vulgar thoughts jump in my head at all hours is wearing me down. I hate not being in control of what's going on in my mind. No matter how much I try to control my thoughts, I can't get them in hand. Not even to decrease them.

Therefore, I will be trying out this new strategy (better than doing nothing about it, I'm thinking). Positive thinking with a sprinkling of reality for groundedness is just what I need to keep my inner self from being a wellspring of bitter anger that I've picked up from the world.

Families

The gradual shifting of who my family is has been completing for years now. I've left my childhood home and married my husband. We have our kids and we've moved away.

Now we head our own household. The bonds that tethered us to our parents and siblings were still strong in the beginnings of the founding of our new family. We wanted to rely on whom we've always had for decades out of habit and familiarity.

Negotiating new relationships and traditions seemed to a bother and a hassle for little return. Yet we slowly found reward in our perseverance.

I think now we're finding our own rhythms and pulses in our lives. I wonder how our children will reflect back on this time.

It's Hard to Give Compassion

How do I stop when I'm hurting and just turn to one who has hurt me and still treat that person with respect, dignity, and love? At a time when you don't feel any of those things?

Sometimes I feel like generosity favors those who are contemptible. Because, really, they are the ones benefiting from mercy and grace. They don't reciprocate, just take, take, take. What is the point?

I think these things like this, but in the heat of the moment, I know that I will err on the side of forgiveness. Especially if someone is in need, not matter what my past history may have been with that person.

Yet after I'm out of the moment, I regret treating someone who treats people wrong with respect. It never comes to good, or so I think. I dwell on all the person's negative aspects and can't see their worth.

It's difficult to remember that I may be seen as despicable to someone else and that person withheld hate and instead gave me what I did not deserve. But every now and then the realization hits me, and I can't but help but to pass that gift on to others, though they may not know how to receive it.

A Day Off

Ok, not a day off. But I'll do less than usual. Eating out is going to be tricky with a milk allergy, isn't it? Not many want to cater to people with restricted diets, yet there are so many who require them.

I'm going to a buffet-style thing, and I'll have to bring my own food even though I'm paying for the food to get in. I don't feel like going over what has what in it. Much easier this way. If they cared, they would ask about those with restricted diets...the diabetics, the Celiac-stricken, the low-salt eaters, the whatevers. They don't have to make an entire menu for each one, either. Just some simple foods as opposed to the pork and beef drenched with heavy sauces usually offered.

But like I said, it's easier this way.

Allergies Part 2

I had a follow-up appointment at the ear, nose, and throat doctor. My ear pain is better and I was basically just getting further information about some allergy tests I took.

Well, I'm allergic to dust. More specifically dust mites. I learned that there are different kinds and that I'm allergic to all of them, apparently? He just kept listing weird species and saying that I was allergic to them. Oddly, no ragweed pollen even though it makes me tear up like nobody's business and even my eyes swell up.

Whatever. Also, cockroach waste. We don't have those so...not thinking about that. I do have dust. I don't like to dust because well, I officially know I'm allergic to it. Ha! I'm officially allergic to dusting. I'll tell my husband immediately.

I'm supposed to use nasal spray now. Ugh. I hate that stuff. I guess it'll only help me and keep my ears from hurting, but...yuck.

Overcoming a Case of the Angries

Being busy doesn't give me much time to be over-emotional.

Who knew? Actually, I knew. However, I like to deal with what I'm going through head on, and busyness feels like a distraction. If the emotions keep coming back, I'm going to need to find time to deal with my feelings at their source, right?

Or do I just need to learn to tamp down on my emotions? Chicken/egg conundrum? Or is it a both kind of answer?

How would I know [period].

On the Cusp of Change?

I feel like the tide is turning in my life. That probably means a bad patch ahead, and there's nothing I can do to prepare for it. I definitely can't say that I'm ready for it.

However, I will face it with as much dignity as I can. And, hey, the future may hold something unexpected that may prove to be a joy.

Ten Days...No Migraines

I guess the whole diet, prescription medicine, life crisis regiment is working. The headaches aren't a thing so much anymore. If I get them, they aren't noticeable, so what's the point of counting them.

For a while there, I thought I was going to have to prepare myself to live with these things for years. I didn't know how I'd be able to do that. Don't know if they'll be back, but since most of it went away when I changed my diet, that probably won't happen.

Yet if they do, I'm going on a cheese binge.

Nothing New With Me Today...

Except I'm still playing 'catch-up' and I probably should just stop and wipe the slate clean. Yet I know that's not going to happen.

Dear Enemy

I pray that you never get 

what you deserve.

Instead I hope that 

God blesses you

and keeps you,

opens your eyes and

your heart--

fills your life with

joy and truth.

I forgive the harm

and the hurt

that you've burdened on me.

For your sake, I pray

you accept the One

who can bring you

salvation.

I want for you

an eternity in happiness

by my side, laughing together,

dear enemy.

Today I Got Things Done

I actually cleaned, wrote, supervised the kids cleaning, spent time with the husband, read, planned, and had time left over to myself.

That will not happen again. 'Twas fun while it lasted.

April Calendar Is Full

Boy, I sure do have a lot on my plate (metaphorically speaking because I'm still not eating so much because of the dairy restriction) for next month. For some reason, I've decided to write two stories at once. I'm also doing daily prompts for National Poetry month at an online forum I sporadically help to moderate, and I'm about to take on further responsibilities with my son's schooling, along with who knows what.

I sure am tired--pronounced 'tahd'...Don't worry; it's a good tired. I'm sleeping like a breast-fed baby.

When Will I Feel I'm Home

I'm an alien in a strange land. This is not where I belong. I'm on a journey to my home; every day I make a step closer to that rest, that promise.

My extended family on my mother's side has been here for seven or so generations. Yet I don't feel this country is truly our home. If I saw on the news that a bill had been passed and that our family had to pack up and go because of whatever loophole the government or whoever made up, I wouldn't be surprised.

I bet we'd go, too. And without a fight. This doesn't feel like our home. We're tolerated here. Allowed. Not welcomed, not accepted. How can this be our home? When can we go home?

New Adventure

I've been wrestling with something lately (well, something new), and I think I've been worn down enough to accept what I need to do.

The only problem is this seems like a lead thing, rather than a follow thing. I don't do so good with leading. No one wants to follow me, for one. And I actually want this cause to be furthered, for two. I don't think I'd make much progress by myself. And the thing is I think I'll be by myself for much of this. That's a big part of why this is a problem I feel I've been led to tackle.

I'm so scared. Mostly that nothing will come of this, and I'll know that nothing can be done about the problem even though there are solutions. Easy ones.

An adventure...and a long road ahead.